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Just Some Serious Pondering of Randomness
Sometimes at night I lay down and just close my eyes and think, I let my mind just roam and it is amusing of what all is in the back of my head repressed. Sometimes i'll look out the window when im riding in the passenger seat, watching and glancing at everything I can as if you remember it, the trees, grass, someone's house, rolls of corn and rolls of soy beans that are so straight in lines you can see them even to the edge of the tree lines. I like to day dream, I like to imagine a different world and sometimes I have to wonder, I have to ponder the questions I ask myself, I have to think of the answers I get to those questions. Though the majority of the time I wonder about the future, recently my mind has been stuck in the past, making more questions arise. Sometimes I wish I had a time machine, not to go to the future to see what kind of life I have in 15 years or to see if I made something of myself and if I'm happy, not to wish I could get the numbers to the lottery, not to see how the world as evolved, no, if I had a time machine, I would go back, not hundreds of years back to were I could witness something great, not years earlier to were I could meet the people who have impacted and shaped this world the way it is now, no I would go back 20 years, just 20 and I would only like to see one thing, I would like to see if my life had changed my parents life for the better or for worse. I wonder, I look around at my friends, my family, I wonder if their lives would be different, in any way. Have I impacted their life like they have mine? I don't know really and though there is no way to find out, I still wonder silently. Recently, I've had to think about my future and I've pushed myself harder to try and figure out what the heck I want to do, what I need to do but it's useless right now. My mind is so stuck in the past, things that I can't let go, things that have made me and broke me, things that made me me, I wonder how my life would be different if certain things never occurred. Everything I'm ranting about now, it had been lost in the back of my head, it wasn't until recently that someone asked me a question, which I had replied with feigning ignorance, that made me began to wonder everything again. It has been days since then, since it's been brought up, and only when things are quite, when things are silent can my mind go back to contemplate. Sometimes I listen to music, I let the words words flow out of my ear and I focus on the instrumentals, I don't know why but I do that. Less than two weeks and I'll be starting classes again and I can't wait, I want to be busy, I want to be occupied. There has been this idea in my head and I've tried to write it out but I can't get it to flow smoothly though I can imagine every single detail in my head I can't write it and I don't know why but it's annoying me. If you haven't, you should listen to Rhian Sheehan – Borrowing the Past (Hammock Remix), I find it kind of beautiful, though that is just my opinion and you will probably not like it but oh well. Its only 11:34 and though I'm tired I'm trying to stay up for a little while longer even though there is no reason to really. I've been playing pokemon emerald and it has made me so angry, I've been all the gym leaders and beat the elite 4 however I haven't beat the champion so I have to fight the elite 4 over and over. Also I watched Candy Boy all over again, I like that anime and the manga though i'm sure some wouldn't like the incest though, though I don't really agree with incest anyways I still like Candy Boy, but about that, do you sometimes not wonder if people has actually experienced real love because I mean is love not influenced? Society and the people around you tell you what's right or wrong growing up and you take it with you though some make their own right and wrong and don't abide by society's rules but what I'm getting at is, if you grow up without anyone telling you what they believe to be wrong (culturally or morally) then who is to say that you can't grow up and fall in love with anyone if you consider the fact that there is no barrier or moral reason for you not to since it isn't wrong in your eyes because no one informed you that it is wrong to love and sexually love a family member, someone way younger or way older than you or someone of the same sex or the opposite or heck anything? So, how can love not be influenced or is that even love because I imagine real love to be real and indescribable, to have no barriers, no meaning, only raw and powerful. I dunno what I'm trying to explain though I know I just confused myself which means I should go to sleep soon, soo, goodnight gaians and later.
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