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One Headlight by The Wallflowers

I didn't go to the meeting like I planned.

I should have but I was too busy having sex. =A=

I saw that guy that guy again. He's cute but there's no connection with him as far as a relationship. We have a lot in common and if I got attached, I'm sure something could happen but as of now, it's just sex.

I don't feel anything.

People touch me and play with my body but I feel no pleasure. I feel pain in certain areas if moved in certain positions and I get tired. Once, just once, I had the rising numbness of my body. Just once did I have that pleasure from being with someone. Ever since then it has been a dead shell. They can touch my torso and grope all they want but it doesn't turn me on. I can be prodded and poked but nothing will cause those juices to flow.

Java brought my attention to the fact that it may be the emotional connection that does it for me. However, when I think about it, I don't know if I was that into him when I finally met him. There was a lot of anticipation and he was my first but, I don't think I loved him at that point. I was certainly happy and overjoyed with him. The relationship was s**t and he didn't treat me well. We weren't goof for each other but the physical chemistry was there. Can chemistry then be earned over time or is it something you either have or not?

I'm so tired of all this bullshit of not feeling pleasure from my body. Tons of people are able to touch themselves and be with other people to feel this joy and I'm apparently not one of those people. I'm tired of servicing other people. I'm tired of paying my dues. I'm already had the boyfriend who I used to learn new tricks. I've been that girl who does things when she's tired or not in the mood. I've been the girl who ******** gave everything to try to create that chemistry. I don't want it again, not so soon.

Gods. I just has such high hopes that this time, things might be different. I had hopes that this time would make me feel alive.

But you can't make a corpse smile.
You can't give a heart a beat.
And you most definitely can't create love
where there is only defeat.

.... whatever.

I'm so over this s**t.

I'm going to sleep before my housemate wakes up. =A=