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I am the dead fish.

I watched a documentary about Asexuality this morning. It brings up some very valid questions like why we need sex in relationships, whether it is from lack of experience or from a natural body response that I do not desire sex, whether I would ever desire sex, and what a relationship really needs for it to be intimate in that long-term sort of way.

I know for a fact that I feel attraction to people. I can feel it for a female or a male. I get enjoyment from kissing and making out but anything past that is too far for me. The only reason I would say that I've given others reason to doubt this is because I thoroughly enjoy being sexy and getting other people off. I love to see the pleasure in their faces and voices. The relief and moans of pleasure make me feel good about myself. The fact that they feel good makes me feel like I've done right.

I too want to feel good but, I don't really respond to the touch of other people. I don't touch myself. I don't think that I'm Asexual but at the same time, I don't want to have all this stupid obligation to have sex with people. I honestly crave that kind of connection with someone, not from a biological point, but from an emotional standpoint. I've built a sort of religion of it in my mind. If I can be sexy, I can have the perfect man and relationship. I can have that future that will make me happy, if I can just be sexy. The people who are the sexiest, are the ones that prosper.

But that isn't true.

And so, I am,
the Dead Fish.