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It seems like whenever I have something honest to say, it's terrible. I over share and voice out these really depressing or mean things. But, these are the kinds of truths that are hard to tell. It is hard to muster the courage to even admit to them half the time.

I'll probably deal with the suicidal tendencies for a long time. For me, they trigger when my reason or purpose for living is shaken. In high school I made my purpose my friends. I dedicated myself to them and leaving an impression with them to live forever. When people didn't let me in or the friends took interest in each other instead of me, I started to crumble. More recently, after getting out of the hospital, I promised myself that for the year I would find another supernova. I told myself that I had 5 great loves out there to find, but I've lost all hope. I don't think there is any point to it. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of life. The person I do like cannot like me back. Even if he did, there is no point to it because even I know that we're too different for anything to happen. We could have a moment where we kiss but no dating life. I could know that he was something special but after I would just be that creepy girl or one time crush from that school. If I pursue him any further, I become a stalker. I can't do anything. I am stuck.

On top of that, I don't ******** want a relationship right now so finding another supernova is almost impossible. My heart isn't in it. I would ruin something amazing if I ever did meet it. Finding someone special was my way of confirming that there is magic in the world. I wanted to know that my dreams are not just fleeting things. I want proof that I'm not crazy for feeling those things. I don't want to be cornered into that one single experience. He's no good. I want to forget him. I don't love him. I don't want to be forced to end up with him. DON'T CORNER ME!

My roleplay brings me great joy right now. The only reason it is considered an escape is that I refuse to eat or sleep. I mean, I do eventually but I can't eat a full meal anymore without it putting me to sleep and I don't sleep more than 4 hours at a time. I'm in a manic hole. Talking to my online friends really helps. I'm grateful that they are so patient with my creation process. I'm so ******** grateful. They've been helping me, and I love it! I mean, you should read some of the things they have come up with! I can't wait to see how the roles turn out in the story. I'm really creating something wonderful.

Okay, I gotta tell you about this. Last night/this morning I was watching a bunch of movies and I picked Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2. Don't roll your eyes. I wasn't a huge fan of the first one because it was so cheezy. I thought it tried too hard to attract the kid crowd but the second wasn't like that. Yes, there were stupid things like unnecessary repetitions of "there's a leek in the boat" /eye roll. But, overall the characters were very cute and there were some good lessons. They didn't rely on the cutesy. Instead, they seemed to be more story driven. It was surprisingly entertaining and funny. I was able to relax and just enjoy. Watch it.

Obviously, I watch a ******** s**t ton of movies. I watch a lot of the mental disorder stuff because I find it interesting how it is portrayed and how the characters deal with things within their situations. My favorites are still Virgin Suicides and Girl Interrupted. I've seen things like Running with Scissors, Manic, Chumbucket, and You Kill Me. I still want to see Thumbsucker, Ghost World and Igby Goes Down but Netflix doesn't offer them yet. I'm not searching for someone to perfectly portray what I feel, but I would like to see a real MODERN portrayal of the mental ward. I don't think It's Kind of a Funny Story covered it. The system might be different there and I'm sure different hospitals have different methods but a lot of things in that movie seemed TOTALLY exaggerated. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and Girl Interrupted are closer to my experience of the ward. I'd love to see I Never Promised You A Rose Garden get a modern adaptation. I can't find that movie anywhere :C and I really liked that book. It was a ******** trip. But like, it gave way more details than Girl Interrupted's crappy book. Ugh that book. White Oleander might be my favorite book with a traumatized mind because there are so many parts to her. It is interesting to watch her progress as she fights with her surroundings and inner character in each place. That's a book I highly recommend. You really get this Valkyrie image with the mother. It's beautiful. Anyway, if you're reading this and you have a good recommendation along the lines of what I'm talking about, leave a comment.