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It's been some time since I wrote here. Lot has happened in my love life. I finally got that actual closure I needed. I thought, "If I could just get these answers, I'll be fine." but in reality, I just became more attached because I felt in the air a chance for me and her to be together again. Well, I recently learned that she is happier without me and she's doing better without me around. Reading it... Killed me deeply and threw me so hard against the wall... I'm surprised I didn't break through it and just... But, I did break down and I hide again so no doctors or nurses could prescribe me something for my pains.

It's been a couple of days since that message and I just feel... normal. I don't know how to really feel anymore and I try to say, "I'm just going through Life now and I'll just take it a step at a time." but in reality... Everything I've ever planned for, wanted to do, and dreamed about is all out the window... Like someone just pulled the rug from underneath me and left me on the ground aching. I'm not mad that this is the final resolve between us nor do I lament anymore that we can't be together... I've just simply accepted it. Why? Well, I've tried my absolute hardest to show her that I want to be with her, yet she's convinced everything is better just away from each other. And Hell, maybe she's right that we are just better drifting apart... But I never said I wanted what's best for me. I never asked to have a better life... I just wanted a life with her and live out our most serene dreams.

However, the ending is the ending and there's no point in denying it any further. Because no matter how much I try to deny or force things to happen.. It won't come out the way I wish and it'll only make matters worse. I'm slowly moving on, just going through it each day with one foot in front of the other and praying to God for his protection and strength.

Honestly... What I don't want to happen is my worst nightmares... That years from now, when I'm on the brink of moving on or already moved on... She returns to my life with her soft eyes and wonderful smile. I always fear this moment because I don't know how I'd react... Anger? Bitter? Happy? In one scene, I take her in my arms, crying and relieved that we could finally start over. In another, I demand why she's back after kicking me to the curb like trash. Ultimately, I don't want to be in that scenario... I don't want to go through this anymore and I'm... I'm tired of loving and loving and making foolish mistakes that I can't explain, trying to resolve problems with someone who doesn't want to talk to me about their issues WHILE it happens to only deal with the aftermath when she's fully over whatever bothered her.

Sighs

There's some unresolved tension I have. I just... I just always feel that if we actually lived near-by... Everything that's an issue wouldn't be a ******** issue. Living together? Not an issue because we live close enough to each other to see one another. Sleeping with someone else? Not an issue because I could go over to see you and make passionate love to you. Bills and money problems? Not an issue because we'll both be working and owning our own place. All these issues are just contrived from the fact there's distance between one another and I think that the problems just finally became too much for you and I. For you because I kept lying about sleeping around with woman up here and me because I came too strongly about trying to live down there with you (with several other things I've done wrong).

But it's over and there's no point in beating this dead horse anymore. I'll come to terms with this and just let the love I feel slowly evaporate under the tense heat of reality that we'll never be together again. All I ask is that she stops watching me. Watching my entries on Gaia, my posts on Twitter, my streams on Twitch, and if she has been watching me on Facebook to cut that out too. I don't want her 'worrying' or 'wondering' how I'm doing because she's lost the right to do so. You're better without me. You're happy without me. Don't worry what's going on in my garden of Life anymore and the things I do. If you really care and wondered, you'd ask me instead of watching. I mean... What would you do if you saw a depressing status and knew that I needed someone? Obviously nothing because that's what watchers do. You can't just kick someone out of your life and still watch them like nothing is wrong with a soft smile at the cute things and a frown at the stupid things they do... You only hurt yourself more and more, the same way I don't watch you around any social site at all. Our emotional bridge to one another is cut... kills me deeply that it is... but only reminds me that we're truly done. So please, stop watching me.

I think I'll dedicate some entries to my former roleplays. Write out things that I never got the chance to do so and try to forget everything in the mist of it.

Oddly enough... Despite all this, I feel that the future is bright.