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It happened... My first panic attack.

Ending of the day, rolling out some monitors for deployment. Nothing special at all. Everyone eager to leave and get the job done with quickly. I've been to this floor and this very office area several times before this: I know this place very well. It's where they give scans to pregnant woman to see their babies and make sure there isn't any problems.

Quickly and very surely, I get my job done and deploy what I needed to deploy. My manager, after a small music contest with the radio playing, tells me to install one more monitor in one of the checking rooms. Okay. Simple enough and I do so... yet my eye catches something... The three images of a baby in different positions during pregnancy. Something gets choked in my throat and I find it increasingly harder to swallow and my breathing becomes sharper.

I feel it. The walls that I put up coming down quickly. I have to hold... I steel myself as I fight back the flood that's coming to wash me over. Five hits and my manager waves us off and I rush out, almost running, to get my jacket and leave the hospital. I choke again, holding my coat within the closet of our work space. Alone and able to yell, I feel it climbing up my throat his name. How badly did I want to just hit the floor and yell it over and over... But I summon the last of my strength and rush out the door.

Tears are falling like rain drops, pattering around the ground as I keep moving. I can't stop moving. Over and over, you rush in my mind like a flurry of daggers. Each flash of memories rip each reserve of strength I have left. s**t! I scream to myself as I barely dodge a car, so busy with the tears in my eyes that I didn't see it coming.

This isn't the time... I beg myself, trying to stop myself from breaking down further. Not the time to remember each soft kiss and each beautiful word you've ever told me. Not the time to remind myself that he's dead because of me... Stop thin--

And there it comes... My true panicked tears flowing with no yells but gasped mouth... Sitting in a corner of the train just hoping no one will ask me, "Are you okay." Tears each time my mind brands my heart, IT WAS YOUR FAULT HE DIED. YOU KILLED HIM. YOU LOST HER. IT WAS YOUR FAULT AND THERE IS NO ONE YOU CAN TURN TO FOR SAFETY. YOU DID THIS AND YOU LOST EVERYTHING FOR NOTHING. ARE YOU HAPPY. ARE YOU HAPPY?!

I finally stop. I feel myself about to puke. My stomach stabbing me over and over with this uncontrollable desire to text or even call you... No, you can't. You promised you won't. But the pain grows stronger and stronger... I break my vow and start the message until I read your last message to me. She's not panicking anymore over me. She's not worried about me anymore. She's not crying over me anymore... I want to believe in this ******** emotional bridge that we once shared, blaming her for this weakness, blaming her for my panic attack... But that's not it at all. She's gone. We're done. The chapter is over and the bridge is gone. No matter how ******** much I want it back, it can never come back like... Like him. Like Seraph will never come back no matter how much I want him... No matter how much I would have fought to keep him alive and managed a living... Somehow to keep him...

It's my fault you've left me. The lies, the abuse, the pain...

I steel myself again, trying not to break down again as I power walk to the store. I buy some shaving cream and coconut oil... If it wasn't for it, I would have cut my own hair after shaving... And now I'm sitting here, doing my best not to break down again and again...

I'm a ******** mess and I want you back to help me fix myself. I want that crutch that saved me so many times... That safety net that reassures me that everything will be alright... I want to hear your voice sooth me to sleep... In your warm, loving arms that... That I lost. That I threw away. That I abused away. That I... And I alone... Lost....

I'm so lost... without you.