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I don't want to go quietly in the night. I want to rage against the clouds and the setting set, let my roar be the last thing heard before the stars settle in their usual spots. I can't let my flame die nor this rage inside of me ever expire...

I won't go quietly to that sweet night...

It must be a typical sight to see my journal loaded with all this emotional bullshit and self-abusive words/cliche works... But honestly, this is the only place I can vent to. This is my Haven. I don't tell anyone anything anymore. I don't share my sadness with anyone or my problems that I share here because... I can't. They aren't her. They can say they care and that they love me... But they aren't the one person whom I could share everything with.

I can't give myself like I did for you to others anymore. I can't stand the words of Love or the idea of someone new falling for me... I can't! I can't! I don't want Love anymore! I don't want to be loved or thought of someone to love anymore! I just want to exist and work my life as I wish it! I want to be alone when I want someone close! I want to be depressed and sad when I wish someone to consort me... Because I can't handle one more person getting so close and then breaking every ******** part of me in front of me... I can't...

I wish I was never in love with you... I wish I didn't have such ******** beautiful memories and that there was just SOMETHING I could hate you for to make this whole thing easier for me... You... The levels of depression, anxiety, and sadness that I'm forced to go through because of how everything ******** ended... I really ******** hope you're smiling it up and living the best goddamn life you can or so help me.

Because do you know that feel? That feeling when no one will ******** tell you a goddamn thing about anything going on in your life? Oh sure, you can chalk it up to me being a lying a*****e to you and call that experience to what I'm saying... But no, it's not that easy. To have YOUR FAMILY AND CLOSEST FRIENDS know s**t before you know what's going on. To have THE SAME PEOPLE SMILE EVERY DAY TO YOU, talk the GREATEST AMOUNT OF s**t ABOUT YOU. What? I lied to you? Yes. Yes I did. I lied about sleeping with other women and messing with them. You know what though?

We were never dating. No. You never considered me your boyfriend and you never wanted me to consider you my girlfriend. Only when people on my Twitch channel were asking about us did we say it'd be easier to say that we were...

You never ever saw me as a man you wanted to be with. Never. And that... That right there is the s**t that hurts me the most. That you couldn't even tell me in my face that I wasn't good enough for you...

But it gets worse! Yay!

Because you're not the only one to never tell me the truth. I have relatives and life time of 'friends' never so much as saying a SINGLE word about me or ANYTHING at all. Always behind my back. Always insulting or belittling me. How, at one point or anything, would have given any of you savage people the time and place... my own arm or leg if needed... But all you ******** have ever done is tear me down more and more.

And you know what? Despite all that has been thrown at me; the deception, the insults, the obstacles of drama.... I'm still walking, breathing, and going forward in my life. I have a successful career with a very bright future ahead of me. I have plans to get the ******** out of NYC and to where I first found Heaven. Nothing will stop me as I keep my march strong, with or without any one that held me back or had wrong me so badly.

So I'll continue the breath and brave the night. I will not let this or anything end me. I shall roar as the purple skies come to rob me of my flames. I shall not yield and I shall not give. I shall be everything I've always wanted and then more. I shall be victorious for myself and then some.

But you know what the real s**t is? That even after I achieve my Nirvana, I know that I will always find a place in my heart to forgive and forget everything just to have you once more. That you are the one and only true love in my life. None shall shine as bright nor hurt me as badly as you ever will.