I didn't write in this book last year. I'm back I guess, though this maybe temporary. I don't really know how to write anymore. Before I was able to form complex thoughts, string them into paragraphs and write them out on the pages of this book. Now I'm just a broken mess writing with no direction. I'm writing today because I was reminded to do so by a friend over dinner. She awoke a part of me I thought I buried. I told her to come find me, and she was excited for the challenge. I don't know if she'll be successful though. If you are successful Rhea: Hi you found me!
2023 was a rough year for me. I lost everything. I lost my best friend that year, I told you how I ghosted her. I deeply regret it but theres nothing I can do to make it right again. I tried actually, but she said it would be better if we never spoke again. Its actually because of her that I kinda stopped writing here too. I told her I'll never be back but here I am. Its ironic because I told her I got nothing left to lose and I ultimately lost everything that year. If I could redo an entire year again, I think this would be that year.
I also lost my lover that year. I told you I had to let her go. I told you how it got really toxic in the end. I told you how I find myself despising and hating her at time and thats because she also convinced me to shut off this side of me. I guess the question is what does Anika mean to me and the answer is that she's responsible of keeping me alive, at my lowest points where I wanted and tried to die. I told you that put her on a pedestal yes that she "saved" me in a ways. But a part of me thinks that she didn't save me but just persuaded me to forget.
My beliefs kinda force me to look forward head on though, accept the choices I've made in my life because they are my choices. So even though I regret, I have to accept. I do my best to try to be happy. Sorry for the trauma dump. Next time you see me, you can just call me Ani. Thank you for reminding me. I've kinda been holding onto all of these feelings from last year. I think its time to let them go
Thank you,
-A.A.M.
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My Book
I've been writing in this since I was thirteen in 2007. I still am writing in it, and it will probably be my legacy till the day I die. (Don't start reading from the beginning as my writing was atrocious then.)
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