Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

About a decade ago I wrote an apology letter because I abandoned everything. I have a problem. I've been ghosting people since I was a child and thats probably the reason why I find myself alone most of the time. Last year I sorta did the same.

It's refreshing in a ******** up way. I have had these grandiose dreams of just leaving everything behind since I was a child. The idea of moving into a new town/city, starting new, with no one who knew you felt so stress relieving even though it was probably just running away from my problems. I could be whoever, whatever the ******** I want. I wore so many personalities, I wore so many masks, I forgot who I really was. To cope from an identity loss crisis I accepted the fact that all of them were me, even though looking at it now its pretty obvious. Back then it was vague to me. There is no "real me" anymore its just patched versions of me, like a software getting a firmware update. I love the idea of being anybody who I wanted to be. It was very liberating but yet also lonely.

This lifestyle isn't sustainable and I'll probably die from either suicide or murder or both. If often wonder if parenthood grounds an individual, or if I'll become a deadbeat. Parenthood is a distant dream to me though, something I want but probably won't ever have. When my parents were at my age now they already had me while I have nothing, I have nobody. Well that's a lie, I have you! That's why you're still reading this whoever you are, and thats why I'm still here writing to you after all these times. But we all know this relationship isn't reciprocal. I love you, but you probably knew this already. The little girl in me imagines you to be my knight, always so patient, always so stoic, always so distant. Thank you for caring for me still after all these times.

-A.A.M