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I remember now...I remember everything
why I started cutting...how I became so depressed
why I wanted to die so much

it all started with her...my ex...
I know I shouldent blame someone else for my mishaps
but this is an exception...I figured out the connection...every time I talked with her I wanted to cut myself or I actually did...

She used me as a trophy and flaunted me off to her friends just to make them jelous she had something they didnt. I was like her twisted little toy that she didnt want broken and would send on a guilt trip every time he tried to brake himself...

She wouldnt realize how much she was hurting me...how much I wanted do die...at first I thought it was my fault, so I broke up with her not wanting to hurt her anymore
and to make it worse I said things and pushed her away farther.

And she used guilt to try and reel me back in, I didnt realize it but I resisted and for a year we were both apart and not talking...

A year after the breakup I was actually happy. I didnt realize it but I was happy for the first time in a year and a half.

When I was happy I must have forgotten everything she did that made me depressed.

That whas when I ******** up big time...

I wrote her an apology letter explaining why I did everything since I was getting nightmares practically every other night and I though that had something to do with it.

She accepted it and for a while things were alright...then it took a turn for the worse...she started torturing me mentally again...and suddenly it took until today to remember...

I remembered now how she treated me...

at first she would be nice but then she would end up hurting me without realizing it and I would try to tell her to stop...but then she either wouldent listen or she would use guilt or turn it back on me...and I would feel worse, go home and possibly cut myself because I thought it was all my fault for this...and repeat the process day after day...

I remember now...and I hate it...