So after a year or so (longer? I didn't check my last entry before starting. Too paranoid.) I'm ready to ramble once again. Whoo!
I'm not gonna bother with introductions. It's been too long and it's gotten to the point where if this was an old friend (which my journal is) you don't start with a "How are you?" You jump right in as though you're at the beginning of a relationship with nothing to lose. Yes, I do have an intimate connection with my journal. (I'll never leave you again baby!)
Does current events sound like a good place to start? Oh! Looks like you don't get a choice. Ha!
Car crash. The second journal entry with that as a main subject and that's the last thing I feel like contemplating right now. I got to be the lucky driver this time. Briauna was my unfortunate passenger. She wouldget into a motorcycle accident the day before I total the car.
The accident wasn't my fault, I'm sure of it. I'm a ******** driver. I don't even drive more than five miles over the speed limit on streets where people regularly go twenty over it. That got me a few angry honks, glares, and revved engines let me tell you. I still get incredibly paranoid and tetchy when there's a cop around and I'm doing everything legal. (Which is why I'm so bitchy in the car sometimes.) And that's why I know I had a green light. It's why I can say with certainty that I was going the speed limit. My brain, my entire body wouldn't have let me cross that intersection if it wasn't my damn right of way.
But... ********, the accident is so surreal to me now. Not the incident itself and the events after. But it's all like an incredibly real dream more than anything. (And those are one thing I'm all too familiar with.) I've thought, a hundred times today and that's not exaggeration, "I was in an accident that totaled a car. I was driving that car," and I truly won't believe myself for a minute. I tried looking at the car... The reality of it is just too absurd and cartoonish to believe with even that solid evidence in front of me. I still think about things I want and need to do before I realize I can't since I don't have a car. It's a bit like finding the last exit and then having a boulder fall in front of it.
Turns out that PTSD wasn't such a bad idea, Roxy. I just got the crappy kinda with none of the symptoms and all of the craziness.
So now I'm too wracked with ******** guilt over the whole thing. Because of course though I don't ask for expensive gifts like a laptop, and I try to cause as little trouble as I possible can, and I do my s**t and take care of my own business, I still end up being the biggest problem for my parents. I don't think, "God, I wrecked my car, what the hell am I supposed to do now?" I think," Christ, I wrecked my parents car and I don't have a job to do anything about it and I'm probably not gonna get one and I can't do anything to help and how ******** useless am I and ******** ******** ********..."
Guilt's actually the reason I stayed home from school today. I just felt... awful on the inside. And I've gone to school like that before. Each time has me bursting out in tears that I can't ******** control. But I'll try anyway and since I can't let go completely (I'm in public, don't embarrass yourself, don't make other people feel awkward) it just leaves me unfulfilled and with a red face and raging headache.
That's not why anyone else thinks I didn't go though. My mom probably thinks it's just me cashing in on any excuse I can, Briauna thinks I'm just plain lazy (she hates my school ethics, I just know), and my dad... I can't read my dad. I love him for that, and he can sometimes make me feel guiltiest of all with that.
...I think my emo has run out of steam for the moment. Let's leave it there for now, and I'll return with a happier entry soon.
And just.. I'm gonna have a conclusion. I need one, so here it is.
Things about me... have changed. I've grown, I've matured. I'm different in experience and mannerism, but my core self has always stayed the same. And that's... comforting. I've never been good at self-awareness, self-evaluation, self-anything and to know something about me has stayed true... is a greater relief than I can tell you. Maybe this doesn't sound like it fits with the rest of my entry, but trust me, it does.
Night ya'll - <3
If something in the deli isle makes you cry, of course I'll put my arms around you and I'll walk you outside. Through the sliding doors, why would I mind?
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Ramblings of a Fish
Just my ramblings, of random things obviously. They're disturbing, most likely boring, and will make you want to jump out of your seat and run away in terror! Muahaha! .....Nah, I'm kidding. I'll be rambling and that's it. So read it! XO
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