I'm in a weird melancholy, content-yet-not mood. So I'm gonna discuss a subject that has been bugging me all through the last year or so.
Everyone has phases. The growing too tall too fast phase, the "I hate my name, call my Daisy" phase, the "I have to do what 'cause of puberty?" phase, and all the special personal ones we have. Maybe I'm wrong here, but I think one of the most common phases was the "I wish I was a boy/girl instead" phase. For some of us, it is concluded quickly and surely, never needing any more discussion. Some, it's not even a phase and is simply a whim you get when the boys or girls get to do something you don't. Others aren't so lucky and the question remains. A steady "what if" in the back of one's mind that some have an answer and others just can't shake.
I still feel the veil of that last one sometimes.
Not that I'm confused about my sexual being in any way. I know damn well, even if others can't accept it, that I am a woman and like men, men, oh god yes, men. I know it the same way I know that if I didn't have fishing in my life I wouldn't be who I was today. I see the appeal of women though. I'd never question why someone would want that and not a guy instead, but it's like coffee. Not for me, sorry, pass the milk instead.
But everyone went through the stage right? You're brother gets to run out in the street with his friends and you don't get to join because you're a girl. And it was never about cooties or anything, which is funny to realize now. It's the satisfaction of getting their own way. By excluding who they chose. Kids are the sweetest little bastards in the world aren't they.
I'm getting off topic though. I'll save that for another time, m'kay?
********, I keep trying to phrase this all epically like I know I used to be able to. Urgh, give me a minute...
Okay, so there's various reasons I'm on this subject. Yeah, I've always kind of wandered if I'd be a better boy than girl. I'm a crap girl and that's the truth. I'd have rather spent my childhood rolling in dirt, wrestling and being gross and crude and honestly more vicious than I ever have been. I mentioned the thing about kids being sweet bastards right? Not so true for girls, but the boys were all over that. And I had a few close girl friends when I was real young. Pre-school real resounds in me actually. (Yes, reader, you're my therapist, so ******** you and keep reading.) I always tried to play with the giant building bricks. They were always taken by one boy or another, though. Never a girl. The girls all were playing with the dolls or the baby stroller that I'm still not sure if someone just left there or actually put there with the intent of it being a play toy. Bunch of weirdos, those pre-school faculty members.
But, crap, wait, yeah, my girl friends. Always with the makeup and the dolls. ********, the dolls. They'd get out the play house and I'd scrounge up as many of the plastic dinosaurs I could before the boys got them. They'd pull a Ken and Barbie in their happy dream home and I'd whip out the tragic ending by gory dino death. I remember the boys finding it quite enjoyable.
And Christ in a ham sandwich, the goddamn makeup. Not even real stuff, just whatever's glittery and taste most like bubblegum. I didn't get it at all. Even then I knew they didn't know s**t about good-quality products and how to apply it. (Not that I did myself, but that's not the point.) Seriously, just what the hell are these nine or however-the-hell-old girls doing with goddamn makeup? Play some teatherball bitches. Toughen up.
But, yeah, damn, I do sometimes wish I was a boy. The thing is though, I'd be gay. If I changed my gender, I'd become gay. Has anyone ever done this in real life? Probably not. I'd be interested to know though just 'cause... Well, ******** it's a possibility and the world frickin' thrives on possibilities.
I keep waiting twenty minutes then typing between each paragraph, sorry!
It's never been that I don't feel right in my body. Maybe not even that I'd feel better in a man's body. I'd rather be something fluid and in-between. I've always written off definitions for things as unnecessary and choking. Seems I'm more consistent than I give myself credit for.
Ohh, I'm tired...
******** CHRIST I DON'T HAVE ADD SO WHY CAN'T I GET THIS AND GO TO BED GODDAMN.
...AM I SWEARING A LOT. s**t, I AM. GODDAMN A b***h AND A HO.
Yes, I've been better. I should sleep , but if I post this now I'll be like, "Wtf, Kristina? You said like 15% of the s**t you wanted too. "
I need a ******** smoke. I can't wait until I'm eighteen I ******** CAN'T and I'm really sorry aunt Kim, you told since I was like seven to not smoke, but it's just for high school I swear.
Meeeeergh, I want to shower, I want to swim.
You know though, (and ******** someone is gonna come downstairs, please don't be my dad please please please) I started typing this on a whim. Now I'm ending it on one. A very paranoid whim. CHOKE ON THAT, BITCHES *gangstaout*
By the way, even though I'm melancholy I still lol in my head when I think about what my dad said. "I don't know why women like men. They're ugly sons of bitches. Women are made pretty, like art, and men or flat and hairy and they've got...(he can't say his man part words around me. My lip always twitches trying not to smirk when that happens.) I mean... if I was a woman I wouldn't date men." My dad, yes, I love him.
Hail to whatever you've found in the sunlight that surrounds you... Pretend all the good things are for you...
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Ramblings of a Fish
Just my ramblings, of random things obviously. They're disturbing, most likely boring, and will make you want to jump out of your seat and run away in terror! Muahaha! .....Nah, I'm kidding. I'll be rambling and that's it. So read it! XO
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