I'm in a writing mood today. Actually... I've been in a writing mood all week. I don't know why, just came out of the blue. So I started just writing things. Made up things, obviously, because sometimes you need to go in whatever direction you feel like and things like a journal (HELLO) deny that kind of flexibility.
Now, they're never related these random writing bouts. Even when I write several things at a time. I never picture the same person twice, which I find unfortunate. Unfortunate because, well, you know how people always have "original characters that they made up? Sometimes dozens of them? I've never had one. I guess it fits with the rest of my personality. I never get attached to people. I had multiple best friends through my whole life. Yes, I do have Roxy (whoa, doesn't that sound like commitment) but, like the semi-normal person that I am, I have always had a couple other friends on the side (and doesn't THAT sound like adultery).
Now... I'm a horrible person. I have, and always will, pick favorites. Whether it's for something simple like food or for something as sensitive as a friendship, relationship, family. I'm insensitive is what I'm saying though I do my best not to let these things show. I hate it when I hurt a person's feelings. I don't know how to deal with something like that so I try to avoid conflict at all cost. This does make me come across as a weak-willed, indecisive person and damnit, I accept that. What I can't accept? People assuming I need to change that.
People? (jeez, how many times have I used that word) I DON'T CARE what you think about me. As friendly (or unfriendly) kind (or unkind) as I come off to you the one thing that I've never done for another person is cared about their opinion on me. I won't change myself. I CAN'T change myself. I won't say I've tried, but I've seen the effects of other people's influence on me. Some things, like being a more socially open person, are good. Other things, things I'd rather not say, are not so good. But the funny thing about this? I'VE never changed myself.
Somehow, I know, that that will always stay the same.
SO! Now that I went off on a random tangent, a tangent that came dangerously close to me writing another small work of fiction, let's get back on track. I don't think anyone really found that baring a piece of myself crap all that interesting anyway. ;}
I had planned to go on a "walking adventure" as I jokingly dubbed it, today. I ended up waking up at ten though, feeling as though I might pass out even as I was waking up, so I'm going to scratch that and put it off until Monday. Sunday, tomorrow that is, I'm going with my mom to visit my aunt. Can't... really... remember what we're doing, but I love my aunt and it would be nice to see her again.
God, I love typing.
That was random, ignore it please.... This was random too. Just... use you're common sense to tell when to stop ignoring, 'kay?
I want to write a story. One of stories in the style of a journal because that's all I'm really good at. The truthful stuff, how a person really feels, thinks, reacts to things. Not a deeply involved plot (okay, that's not quite a lie since I actually love plot you can submerge yourself in), not the action and interaction.
Because hasn't it always been the subconscious that really drives us anyway?
*sighs*... Another reason I'm putting the walk off until monday? I'd rather be able to stop by a few peoples' houses. Roxy's because I love her and I can steal some water from her. (Secret petpeeve of mine? Carrying a water bottle. Ugh.) Also I wanted to drop by Brad's if he's home. I haven't seen him in over a month. And that's just really very bizarre when taking into account our friendship. (Doesn't it feel very childish to say friendship?) I mean... we wouldn't let each other out of the others sight for the longest time. We were like a couple (yes, I physically gagged as I typed that), hell, OTHER PEOPLE thought we were a couple. No this is not me saying I feel clingy and lonely for Brad. This is me making an observation of an unusual occurrence. And that's not denial. That's... damnit it, this is why I don't pause then come back to writing. It's all very "ring-around-the-rosie."
But yes, I do miss Brad a bit. I don't mind the time away from being at his beck and call though, even if it was completely willingly.
...Okay, I paused again. What the hell Self? *smacks own head*
Well, that was all very personal and uninteresting. Why do I even type these things in here? Why don't I write these in the same book I've been writing all my little fiction writings? Or even another?
*sighs* Sorry about this. I'm typing quite a bit, but I'm lacking a real topic worthy of rambling as of late. Unless you want me to ramble about my shows... or my slash... Damn if I couldn't go off on those subjects any hour of the day.
I can't find inspiration lately. I find it when I walk, when I climb to the top of the hill that's near my house. (I'm a nature girl, what can you expect from me?) Once I've gotten home though it always just sort of tapers off. This really upsets me. I can't really explain why. It's not as bad as it could be. It's not like the times where I have so little incentive to draw that I can't even draw avatars for people. Because I've been doing that quite (HOLY s**t I keep typing "wuite" and it is seriously starting to get RIDICULOUS) a lot lately. It's been fun too. Chibis are such an easy way to release tension. But beyond that... Here, let me explain it to you.
There are different levels in my personal "inspiration meter". It tells just how far I can currently go when drawing. Not a particularly useful meter, mind, as there's no real way to change it and it's information does not really aid anyone in anyway... but there you go!
So the bottom level is, quite obviously:
NOTHING: Inspiration - 0
Can't draw, doesn't feel like it, and is better off not dealing with it.
Second level isn't much better:
FRUSTRATION: Inspiration - 1
Leave me alone I'm twitchy and emo because I hate everything I draw! D':
Things start iimproving a little.
WARMING UP: Inspiration - 2
Can do doodles and pointless drawing that are generally crap. Strangely, this is the only level where quality doesn't matter.
This is the level where chibis come in.
FEEL THE BEAT: Inspiration - 3
Can do silly, unrealistic pictures. Generally a nice place to pause if inspiration needs a recharge.
Whoa, I've been doing a shitload of typing...
HARDER DAMNIT: Inspiration - 4
Honestly one of the worst levels. Doesn't want to do silly drawing, but can't get into somethings more serious.
Is it getting hot in here?
UNF UNF: Inspiration - 5
Generally the level where serious sketching get going. Things get better form here.
No. Stop thinking that. You're a dirty perv.
I CAN FEEL IT: Inspiration - 6
The preferable level for when I'm doing fanart of fullbodies. Even an original piece or two comes from this level!
Goddamnit, NCIS isn't on today.
OMG OMG OMG: Inspiration - 7
The level where I prefer to start a realistic drawing of someone. Explains why I don't do more, huh?
******** IT'S AN ANT, OH DEAR LORD GET IT OFF-
*FISTPUMP*: Inspiration - 8
Regularly have to break from drawing to break into random dancing. Yes, I mean that.
My mom is being all scary. I wish she didn't do things when she was sick.
THE GROOVE, I HAZ IT: Inspiration - 9
Crazy awesomness starts sparking from my fingers. Seriously. Doors are locked and calls ignored for the general public's own safety.
Hope you didn't get put off by my off topicness. I'm distracted today.
CEASE ALL SOCIAL INTERACTION Inspiration - 10
******** you 4 am is an unreasonable hour. I CAN'T STOP THIS, IT'S WHAT I AAAAAAMMM~!!!
Yes. I DID find that extremely enjoyable. And no, I'm not actually that sex-crazed. But drawing=pleasure for me so the level names just sort of... came naturally. I suppose.
I've been avoiding using smilies. Is that weird?
I'm thinking I should end this entry. It's probably not as long as I think it is, but it is definitely very long. And I can't even remember half of what I've written... Yeah, I'll take that as a sign that this has gone on long enough.
Peace!
I'm closing off inside and I was only just starting~ And you can't be close enough unless I'm feeling your heart beat~
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Ramblings of a Fish
Just my ramblings, of random things obviously. They're disturbing, most likely boring, and will make you want to jump out of your seat and run away in terror! Muahaha! .....Nah, I'm kidding. I'll be rambling and that's it. So read it! XO
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