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I figured it out. I've figured it out! I've been really sad these last few days. Now, I've figured out why! Now that I know what the problem is, I can start trying to rid myself of it.

1st off - the three parts of life. My dad told me that God says, "Man must spend one third of his time sleeping, one third of working, and one third of resting. Like, relaxing." I don't fulfill this. I work, which is school, for more than 8 hours. Plus homework and chores. And that cuts into my resting and sleeping. This has been depressing me because I want to rest and sleep more.

Second - the support of others. I have excellent friends. But what I need to survive mentally and stay stable is like a recipe: I need EVERYTHING. What I'm missing is the love of a solemate. Again, three things are required: love of family, love of friends, and love of another. I don't have another. And the three girls I like don't know I exist. One does, but she thinks I'm a stalker. That one is Emily.

And third - I need food. I experienced firsthand the power of nutrition. I ate breakfast and I went from a goth weekend to a party weekend. It was amazing. We are poor and barely scrape by with food. It's just not enough. I'm getting skinny... Although I have some fat, I don't have much.

Today was pretty good. Went to the film festival with some friends and had a lot of fun. Although, it had become apparent to me (during the field trip) that people in Folsom don't understand me. I'm like the Sumerian. I know what I hate and I don't want to do it to others. It wouldn't be right. But, on the downside, I don't fulfill what a girl wants in a man. I'm skinny, I probably suck at sex, etc. Which undermines the second thing I need to take out my depression. And my dad wants me to dishes and homework always so that I can keep my life and my work regulated. And we don't have the income for enough food to satisfy my teenage appetite.

You know what it's like, don't you? To know why you are sad and not be able to fix it. It's terrible. And what's worse, my feelings for this one girl are coming back...

I want it to stop. No more work, no more hopelessness, no more food shortage. No more... Please...