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So, I washed my mullet. I've been neglecting to shower daily for the past 10 days. I noticed today I should wash it because my grandma said it looked a little darker. But that was so uplifting. I feel like I can think to myself and just understand me.

So, I've made a couple of hypotheses. I've been feeling unusual lately. But now I think I know why.

For one, I have NO POWER. What good have I ever done to anybody? Have I ever left a mark on your shoulder? Made you think "Hey, that's a good idea"? Helped you in your time of need? Made you a better person? Taught you a lesson? Made you feel better about yourself? No. All for none. The power I have I can only use on me and me alone. By power, I mean being myself. I can't be myself and just give people positive feelings. I can be a motivational speaker and waste 4 hours of a crowd's lives. That's how little of a moral I am. That's what I wish I could be: something people look at and see how they can grow emotionally

For two, I'm still hopeless. I'm 16 and I've basically never had a girlfriend, minus Kelsey, because we didn't even like each other. And I feel the same way I did last year: I'm unloved. There's this girl in my PE class who's cute, but I don't talk to her. And she looks like a hippie. But, whatever. Mrs. Gibson is supposed to set me up, but I don't even think she has what it takes to help me out of my fix. This whole girl problem isn't as big as it was last year.

For three, I feel distant. I hardly talk to anyone anymore. Richie, Pasha, Gabi, Dani, and Maci. I can never bring up a conversation and actually talk to them. They'll probably just forget me... But I don't want to lose my friends. Richie's cool and so is Pasha. Maci is my best friend's girlfriend and Dani and Gabi are pretty cool. I'm only in High School and I'm losing friends already....

Fourth, and probably my biggest weight, is that I've had some high expectations for junior year. I thought I'd have little homework and grow emotionally. Start to really become a man. I don't mean I want to be a man physically. I want to be a man emotionally. Like Mrs. Gibson told us: "Huck Finn is about a boy becoming a man emotionally." An avalanche epiphany that will just change me forever. And I'm failing History again. For the same reasons: I can't get a grip on the homework.... I feel like I'm still a kid. I want to stay in high school and always be with my friends, but become a mature adult at the same time.

It feels so lame. Yet, these four rather minor problems are making me feel like I can't enjoy life for 5 seconds. I want it to end. I want to be happy. I want to kill off my sorrow. Yes, I did make a Klonoa 2 reference.

But all the same

It's my life. I'm the only one who can change me, I can't change anybody else, and I have the world emerging. Only 2 more years and I WILL be a man. And I don't have anybody to love. No love, no life, no maturity, no muscle, no charm, and no hope. The only thing I feel I can do is try to live my life. And it's my life, so I should focus on me. I have nothing better to do.

All this from just taking a shower and washing my hair