Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

I've firmly decided on somthing today, minors are used almost solely for their parents advancement in whatever, wether it be, social or career. It seems to me that many parents use their children as some sort of tangible evidence of how great they are. One example, my mom tries everyday to force me into the mold that she thinks a perfect child should be like (haircut, grades, personality, ect.). She uses me as a marionette to play out how great she is. She thinks that if I look and act perfect, people will think that shes so great and whatever. I guess she must be hoping that everone will be focused on me as proof of how awesome my mom is and not pay attention to the simple facts that speak agianst it. She, by all means, is a raging psychotic psycho b***h alcoholic poor excuse for a mother.

In my view, parents are the figures in a child's life that should guide his/her decisions using wisdom and logic, they should try to get the child to think for himself, not simulate an absolute monarchy. I also think that a parent should be there when the child is in need, not throw chairs, scream, and curse at him whenever he has a problem or when they're in a bad mood. I find no excuse for a person to do that, especially when they have three children that they actually don't care for and drown their sorrows in alcohol every minute of the day. I really had higher hopes for this world of ours but it seems that whenever I put faith in either of my parents to act rationally they just let me down. Of course the normal question one would ask would be, "what did I ever do to deserve this?"

I have searched and searched for an answer to that question and the only answer I can come up with is that I was born. I don't know, maybe I've been lying to my self for the past 15 years but I never really saw myself as some abomination that needed to be stamped out of existence. I know that I really must have been a mistake on their part but it's not like I had a choice either. Trust me... If I'd had a choice, I wouldn't have ever even met the woman who poses as my mother. But oh well, I guess since I'm just a mistake I shouldn't have any feelings at all.... Maybe I would better serve the world laying dead in some field somewhere, that they wouldn't have to gaze at such a dreadful abomination.

I guess there really is big thing to life that I haven't figured out or maybe I did somthing horrible somewhere at sometime and this is simply Karma's way of getting back at me, although I wouldn't wish this horrible existance on the worst of criminals.

I just wish I could be something more, somthing better than a mistake, somthing better than an abomination, somthing other than a marrionette.

I just wish I could live my life without being tortured every step, without being pushed back a mile after gaining an inch, without being the tangible evidence of a falsified achievement.

I just wish I could be me.

I seems to me, more and more everyday that my only consolation is my girlfriend. She seems to be the only one who cares for me, as it is pretty apparent that I can not leave my trust and hope with my parents. She really is great, and deserves so much more than me.