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I hate my mother... Truely I do. She is the only person in all 15 (almost 16) years of my life that I really do hate. She yells at me for everything she's done. She shatters the lives of everyone around her and then expects me to pick up the pieces. When the pieces are too far gone to be fixed, I get yelled at some more. It's like a sick game with her as the overlord. She tells me to go to church yet she is the one who really needs it. Hypocrisy, the true fruit of her tree. Along with hatred, lust, desire, and deceit. The only things she knows how to sew and bear. I'm not sure what has turned her into the monstrosity she has become but my only guess would be the alcohol. The enormous amounts of alcohol she consumes every day, enough to kill a normal person. I see her decending a spiral, and I can only hope I will be gone long before she hits the bottom. I know that something is going to happen soon. I can feel all of my suppressed feeling starting to break free of me. I don't know how much longer I can hold them in if I have to live with this satanic creature that poses as a mother. I hope I can escape before I break. Because when I do, I fear for the safety of all around me. I had always thought that I was above the emotions that plaugue humans. I was wrong. I am as worse as my older brother on the inside, I know this will show when I break. Once I break I will fall down the same dark pit that consumed him. I cannot let myself drag everyone down with me when I fall. But I can't bear the thought of being parted with those that I actually love. I guess I really must be weak on the inside, once I open myself up I took the risk of losing myself. I took the risk and now I must pay the price. It is my biggest regret though that I have scarred the lives of my friends with my appearence and then sudden breaking into darkness. I wish I could just point my finger at my mom and blame it all on her but I cannot let myself. I don't find her completely responsible for what is happening to me, if I did that I would just be using her as a scape goat and that is something I will not let myself do. I must place some of the blame on my own shoulders for a lot of this is the result of my actions. If I had never gambled myself by opening up then a lot of this would have been avoided. If I had not been selfish enough to get into a relationship when I knew of the instabilities at home I could have saved Jesse a lot of tears and frustration, which is what hurts me most. If I had not denied my true feelings for my mother and spoke my true mind I think that I would not have let myself come so close to the edge. If I had hidden or broken her bottles of wine everytime I saw them and then faced the consequences each time, maybe she wouldn't have degraded herself this far. I saw the warning signs and decided not to act upon them so I must also hold myself reliable for the current situation I am in. I don't know exactly what is going to happen when everything boils over inside everyone here, but it is something that I dread more than my own death....