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Mediocrity At It's Finest
These are just random snippets from my mind... enjoy.
NetStar Chronology - Prologue
Take a look into a different society, a different reality, or even a different universe, and if one looks hard enough, they will see the trials and exploits of their own heroes, their own individuals living their own lives; just like those of the real world. The Cyber Universe, also known as Facticius Universum, is one of those different realities, and the Network of Iota is one of those different societies. There are many parts of the "Cyberverse" that are just too in-depth to cover in one simple legend. But, as one follows along with this story, they may learn about Iota, and maybe more.

Enter, a newly created Cyberhuman, in the grassy fields of Toria; the major city in the northern reaches of Iota. His name was Miyamoto Green, and he stood at five foot eight; the average height of Cyberhumans. He looked about eighteen, though Cyberhumans are ageless. He had black hair, spiked back, which shined in certain light; and he had grass green eyes. His outfit was simple enough, that of the Generic Scout. The term "Generic" used to define a Cyberhuman means that they have the average power and skill of the other Cyberhumans. "Scouts" are a Class of Cyberhuman which excell at running, recon, and some stealth. They also have some minor hand to hand and short blade skills. Green's outfit consisted of a blue neck cloth, a dark green short sleeve shirt, a pair of dark green shorts, a pair of very lightweight and silent black shoes, and white cloth wrappings around his palms, all the way up to where his elbows bend. He had the same type of wrappings around his feet, but underlapping his shoes, all the way up to where his knees bend. At his left side was a sleek, black sheath, which held a fine wakazashi.

Green looked around.

"I must be in the fields of Toria." He muttered to himself. "It seems that, as my creator had told me, I have knowledge of all my current skills, and a working vocabulary. Technology is certainly an amazing thing."

He paused a moment, and looked himself over.

"Everything seems normal." He muttered as he moved some limbs. "All my limbs are fully functional. Enough fooling around. I was told I have a sister named Charlotte Yellow. I am supposed to meet this Charlotte girl, and from there we should decide what we need to do. Should I enter a battle before I meet her, I can use my wakazashi for melee combat; or if I'm faced against a ranged foe, I have my Forest Elemental power."

Green was muttering to himself, mostly to confirm both his speech ability, and his mission. His creator left him on his own, to find Yellow by himself. Almost all the humans who create Cyberhumans have little to no influence on their creation's life, after they've achieved "consciousness". This is to give the Cyberhuman as much independence as possible, and to void any responsibility that the creator has for the actions of his or her creation.

As Green walked across the grassy landscape, he saw a few Generics walking around. He didn't say a word, or even try to draw attention to himself. He just observed what they were doing, and they never even noticed him. At heart, Green was very shy. He wouldn't speak to someone unless spoken to. But he would find later that when he got to know someone, he could speak to them normally.

A few moments into his walk, he was approached by a Generic Ghost. A Ghost is a more stealth based version of a Scout. For this reason, apparitions are refered to as spirits, rather than the mainstream ghost; to save some confusion. Ghosts generally tend to wear light armor on their torsos, shoulders, gauntlets, and boots. Under their armor, they wear body suits, which provide much more protection than one might think. This Ghost in particular wore a helmet with built-in goggles, and an orange undersuit; and at his side was an energy pistol.

"Hey, you." The Ghost said to Green. "You look like you're new here."

"Actually, I am." Green blinked in surprise. "How could you tell?"

"I know that lost look anywhere. But hey, you hold yourself well. I see you have at least some knowledge of short blade weapons, and by your attire I assume you are a Scout."

"Correct. What can I do for you?"

"You shouldn't be asking what you can do for me, rather what I can do for you. See, I'm pretty experienced in the world, and one thing I've learned is this society sucks. It is the aim of me and my superiors to change the world, for the better. And you seem like you could use a faction to get yourself off the ground."

"Changing the world?" Green's surprise was more evident. "Are you really that influential?"

"Not so much me as an individual, but the group which I am in as a whole. So, what do you say?"

"Well, it sounds tempting, but I think I want to get a little first hand experience on Iota, before I try to change it."

"Listen, you're not going to like it. You can't do anything around here without the Police breathing down your neck."

"Oh, you mean the Police whose job it is to keep the peace?" Green became a tiny bit suspicious.

Green had been given some prior knowledge of the Police, at the least to keep him from challenging them.

"Er..." The Ghost became speechless, and retreated to his thoughts. He's smarter than I thought. I hope I can convince him.

"Well?"

"Pfft." The Ghost rolled his eyes. "They're supposed to be keeping the peace, but they can't do a damn thing. Take the Order of the Skulls for example. They are a group of evil-doers, bent on spreading their 'Divine Fury' in whatever way possible. Yet the Police haven't been able to do a thing about it, because the Skulls outsmart them at every turn. Aside from that, the Skulls easily outnumber them. We of The Empire will dispose of the Skulls, and cast aside the incompetent Police so we may set a more peaceful order for Iota."

"Uh huh." Green wasn't impressed. "I don't think I should believe you. Thanks, but no thanks."

Green turned away, and started walking off.

Well that's just great. The Ghost thought. There's no convincing him now. May as well kill him, so he doesn't end up with the Police and become an even bigger threat to our plans.

The Ghost armed his energy pistol and aimed it. He was afraid that Green would turn around and see him, so that anxiety was affecting his focus. He shot a small burst of Light, which barely missed Green's back.

Damn! I missed!

Green whirled around, and drew his wakazashi with his right hand.

"Who did that?" Green was at ready, and noticed the Ghost. "You? Would you kill me over declining your invitation to join?"

"We can't take chances, boy." The Ghost said, gaining more confidence. "You're either with us, or against us. And if you're against us, you might as well be dead."

"I will have nothing to do with the cause of such extremists. If you would do such a thing, then I can only dedicate myself to the downfall of your faction."

"Hm." A smirk appeared on the Ghost's face. What's he thinking? A sword, a short one at that, versus a gun?

Green broke into a run at the Ghost.

"Are you in such a hurry to get shot down?" The Ghost cheered as he fired a few shots.

Okay, you can do this, Miyamoto. He thought.

He dodged one shot, deflected another with his blade, but was hit in the chest by the other. The burst released a small explosion, which made him stumble back a little.

I can't play defensive, my skills just aren't good enough. Green thought as he stepped back. But I can't get close enough to strike. I guess I'll just have to rely on my Elemental power until I can close the gap.

"Pretty fast." The Ghost smiled. "You were almost able to defend against that third one."

If he thinks that taunt's going to work, he's got another thing coming. Now, how did that go again? Focus energy from the stomach... through the leilines, and to the casting point. He then made the motion of throwing a shuriken, with his left hand. There!

A burst of green energy shot out from Green's hand, and straight into the chest of the Ghost. The armor nullified the impact enough so it only made him shift a little.

"Eh?" The Ghost stared at Green. "I didn't expect that. You have more potential than I thought! Are you sure you don't want to join? We could really use your skills."

Green used the Ghost's lull in action to dash closer. The Ghost was caught by surprise, and shot a barrage of Light energy. Green canceled out the bursts with his own energy, and swipes of his blade. He was hit twice, though.

"You're starting to wear on my nerves, kid." The Ghost warned.

I think I've almost got this down. Green thought, ignoring the Ghost. All I need to do is stay calm. But I'm starting to feel a toll from the damage I've taken.

Green took one step forward, as if he were about to dash. As he planned, the Ghost fired straight ahead; but Green quickly leaped ahead and to the left, so the burst whizzed by. And, in a stroke of luck, Green found that he was in range; so he leaned to the right, and leaped to the right, using the momentum of the leap to give the Ghost a powerful slash. The Ghost stepped back a little, with a minor gash in his armor. Taking advantage of the situation, Green came forward even more to strike a more focused blow to the Ghost. That attack sat the Ghost down, and left a considerable scar in his body. Green raised the blade, as if to strike the Ghost down.

"Escape!!" The Ghost yelled in a panic.

At the last second, the Ghost's image flickered, then disappeared in a dim light; Green's blade swung in vain, cleaving only air.

"Hm." Green looked upon the spot where the Ghost once was. "That little sneak got away. I should tell Charlotte about this encounter, to see if she knows anything about this Empire the Ghost was refering to."

With that, he sheathed his wakazashi, and started walking off again.

Shin-Maruku
Community Member
Shin-Maruku
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  • User Comments: [7]
    `Epilepsy
    Community Member





    Tue Sep 04, 2007 @ 07:41pm


    Sounds fun.
    I didn't get to read the whole thing, but I like what I've read.
    Although I'm usually not a fan of past-tense books, this one has caught my interest.
    [[First comment, bitches.]]


    Sora_no_Yakusoku
    Community Member





    Sun Sep 09, 2007 @ 05:40am


    hmmm, that was pretty cool. You should write more ^_^


    PenguDeus
    Community Member





    Tue Sep 25, 2007 @ 04:52pm


    You're good at conveying your thoughts into writing and the story idea is certainly interesting. However, I think the introduction needs a little work. For example:

    "Take a look into a different society, a different reality, or even a different universe, and if you look hard enough, you will see the trials and exploits of their own heroes, their own individuals living their own lives; just like you and I. The Cyber Universe, also known as Facticius Universum, is one of those different realities, and the Network of Iota is one of those different societies. There are many parts of the "Cyberverse" that are just too in-depth to cover in one simple legend. But, as one follows along with this one, they may learn about Iota, and maybe more.
    "

    What point-of-view is this story supposed to be written in? I'm assuming it's third person. Typically, in a third person story, the reader is never addressed. So using the word "you" is a taboo. Having the narrator refer to himself, "you and I", is also a taboo unless the narrator is an actual character of the story. Say, for example, that the story is being told by a person or program that is watching over the main protagonist. Then it would be safe to have him refer to himself. Otherwise, I'd highly recommend omitting it.

    If the voice of the narrator is a character in the story, then you should probably start by introducing it. The reader needs to get a sense of the character talking to them if it is, in fact, a character talking to them. For example: if the Lord of the Rings was told from the perspective of Gandalf, the story would start with a little introduction where Gandalf explains who he is and how he knows so much about hobbits.

    A question you should ask yourself is: who is your target audience? It's obviously not going to be an older and mature crowd. Preteens to teens will typically enjoy a story that starts off with a showdown of skills and magic. But adults will not. They'll find the story to be rather childish. That's not to say that adults don't like action, but they typically don't like the dbz/yu yu hakusho/naruto/inu yasha type of fighting where there is a bad guy, a good guy, and the two face off with their skills and magic powers, taunting each other, etc. Typically, fights are more realistic in adult-oriented books. Fights aren't won by summoning mecha parts or using overly large ki blasts, but rather, through realistic means such as setting up traps, distractions, etc.

    An example of a typical primetime anime conflict:

    Yoshin, stands several feet from armed street thugs. Three street thugs, confident in their numbers, approach Yoshin, each displaying a threatening gesture and mocking him with laughter. But Yoshin was trained for such fights. His hand rested on the end of his bokken.

    The first strike came at him quickly. Yoshin caught it out of the corner of his eye. He arched backwards as a spiked ball on a chain soared over him. His body then twisted as a spiked boot rushed up toward his back. The bokken moved in a blurred motion, colliding with the leg, shattering the bone underneath the skin and muscle with a satisfying crunch.

    "Strikes one and two have come and gone," Yoshin said in a dark voice. "One more strike and then I'll end this pathetic little game."

    Two of the thugs rushed toward him while the third cried out in pain. Yoshin stood, poised defensively. The ball and chain flew toward him while a katana sliced toward his waist. Yoshin jumped back a step, letting the katana cut air. Yoshin caught the ball by its chain and ducked underneath. The ball stopped in the air, then sank slightly. "Strike three."

    Energy bust forth from his body and transfered down through the chain, frying the thug on the other side. The remaining thug, horrified from the sight, began to run.

    ----


    blah blah blah, I could go on. But I'm sure you get my point. You won't see a scene like that in a typical book aimed for ages 18 and up. Adults want more story than action, so any scene like the one posted above would be rare if, at all, present.


    wolfkakashi
    Community Member





    Wed Oct 03, 2007 @ 06:59pm


    Sweet! That is one awesome Story!


    Renton Noah
    Community Member





    Mon Oct 08, 2007 @ 04:07am


    I think you should give Green's blade a name, or if he get a better one name that one. Was that Ghost part of the Skulls? He sounded like a total maniac, shot from behind eek A little irational you think


    Arya Ver Addo
    Community Member





    Tue Nov 13, 2007 @ 07:42am


    A very interesting story. This genre isn't really my type, but your writing was enough to interest me into reading the whole thing.

    It may just be because Im not used to the genre, but I found the first two paragraphs extremely confusing. It made sense as I read on, but at first I barely understood two sentences. Again, Im guessing it's because I don't read much of this type of writing.


    stellacadente
    Community Member





    Thu Dec 13, 2007 @ 12:42am


    Very interesting concept. It reads like a cyberspace fantasy, and I can't say that I've read anything like that before. Most "cyber" literature tends to be all hardware and sci-fi. Props for being different!

    I agree with the other poster about the point-of-view problems. Readers at publishing houses will tell you it's one of the most common reasons for rejecting otherwise good stories.

    Even in "Omniscent Third Person Narrator" you normally only peer into the inner thoughts of one person per section/chapter. And you have set up Green as the obvious (and interesting) hero, so we shouldn't be hearing/reading Ghost's thoughts.

    Green's a good character. Focus the prologue on him. mrgreen


    User Comments: [7]
     
     
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