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Its suppose to get better with time
I try and try but I cant lie to myself anymore. I still love Lee. I know it sounds stupid and crazy but thats how love is. Don't think I havent tried to move on. I have but none of them made me happy. Even when Lee was hurting me I still felt happy. Everytime I hear his voice over the phone my day seems oddly better. When I see him in person and I touch him, even briefly, I get those same butterflies I use to get when we first met. Ah those were the days. I remember how he would be in his little group of friends and if he saw me in the hall he'd make a small notion with his hand where they couldnt see that ment "follow me." And I would. I'd follow him to the depths of hell and back if only he'd ask. I remember one time I didnt follow and when he looked back and saw I wasnt there, he ditched his friends and walked all the way back to me. It made me feel so important. Im sure that female of his spies on me occasionally but I dont really care anymore. If she has nothing better to do with her time then whatever. You'd think if she was secure with her relationship she would care less what I say about Lee. Sigh...It never got an easier really. Sure I dont cry when I see him anymore, but the pain is still there. Pain and yet joy. I know he doesnt love me anymore but that doesnt change my feelings. I'm addicted to him I guess. People think I should hate him and maybe they are right but no matter how bad things got between me and him, I never gave up hope. He said he loved me, then he said he felt nothing for me and wanted nothing to do with me or our son, now he's calling me and scheduling family outings and working hard to support his son. So see? I was right. People change all the time. What they say and do and think at one point may not be what they believe years to come. If Lee can go from love to hate to accept then I know there is hope yet for us. Sure he loves that female of his now, but what about 10 years from now, 5 years, hell maybe even in a year? We cant predict the future and even if we could the future is always changing. I love him and Im happy with that. Its time I stop fighting it and just accept my feelings.
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